damonjustisntfunny.com

I remember clearly the day my childhood innocence regarding the infallibility of adults was shattered. I don’t think Jody did it intentionally and I don’t believe (now) that she is a bad person or even a bad parent. Back then, however, I had a different view of her than I do today — for now I see that she is a terrific woman. Misunderstood by me, certainly; evil witch, hardly. And yet, in my youth and ignorance, I was witness to a particular incident (one, of course, that I am sure I did not fully appreciate at the time) that I felt instructed me in a lesson on fairness, justice, and the American Way. I learned that adults, despite their claim of knowledge and power, were really quite sad and pathetic people (just like the children they produced).

Again: it wasn’t entirely Jody’s fault. I doubt she was even aware of her participation in this life molding event of my childhood. Her son and I had a strange sort of relationship that involved me being jealous of him for some reason or another most all of the time. At least, I was pissy around him and his family for some reason or another and I don’t have one tangible incident upon which to lay blame. It might have been because they were living in Oregon and I was living in Illinois — whatever it was, I didn’t understand my frustration at the time or why it was that this particular boy could raise my ire like no other person in my life. Basically: I was just an asshole most of the time and most of the time I took it out on him because his mother angered my sense of righteousness. I am a very righteous person.

What happened was this: before my family moved from Illinois to New Hampshire we visited Oregon in order to determine if that was a place worthy of residing. We stayed with Jody and her family and spent time in the surrounding area. One night, we were in the car and it was late and we were driving the long road back to Jody’s house. I was tired, of course, and my fear of not getting to bed on time had heightened my anxiety level and shortened my patience with the general population. Anyhow, we were driving back and Jody allowed her son to sleep on the floor of the car without a seatbelt because it was more comfortable. I asked my mother if I could do the same and she said:

“No. You have to wear a seatbelt.”

Now this, in and of itself, was not a problem. I was not susceptible to the “his mom lets him do it why won’t you?” logic because, at an early age, I had learned to expect different things from different parents. I knew that my parents would not acquiesce and that it wasn’t worth the battle and if the situation had been left at that, then I would have been fine. Sure, I would have been jealous and sure my night-time paranoia would have increased, but I could handle his mother allowing her child to ride unbuckled while mine did not. Fine. Not a problem. I was cool — if not uncomfortable — in my seat.

The problem came when Jody said:

“I know he should wear a seatbelt, but I only let him rest without one because when we drove out here from Illinois we let him do it and I haven’t told him he couldn’t do it anymore since we got here — even though he should be wearing a seatbelt because it is a lot safer.”

I was stunned.

To me, this was an admission of the greatest failing of any one person and it struck me like a tricycle pedaled by two kids wearing lead jackets. She knew it was wrong, she agreed that she shouldn’t let him, but she wasn’t about to stop it. And why? Why?! Because she hadn’t gotten around to it! Because she hadn’t taken the time? Because, she couldn’t simply say, at any moment, “honey, you need to wear your seatbelt — why? because I told you so.” Did there really exist such a contradictory and dichotomous blather of utter nonsense? Was I actually hearing an adult (a group of people who I, as a whole, admired and respected above any other) sputter and spit out such foolish gobbledygook? Tell him to put on his seatbelt for God’s sake if you think he should! You’re an adult! His parent! What’s wrong with you? You spineless, gutless, tramp of a whore who can’t even instruct your own son to perform a basic activity that will save his life because you “haven’t gotten around to it”! Damn you! Wench!

Obviously: I over-reacted. I was probably tired. But the fact of the matter is that that one single statement ruined the rest of my trip and maybe even the rest of my childhood. I couldn’t stand to look at her. Her very touch made me sick to my stomach. I believe I did throw up and I blamed it on motion sickness but, truly, I was ill because of the horrendous truth I had uncovered about adults: they were useless. Completely useless. A waste of breath. They were meant to enforce their own familial values and they couldn’t even do that. They were allowed (DCYF, where are you? pay attention please!) to instruct their children in the value of: “we know it’s wrong but we’re too lazy to change it.”

Anyhow, the whole point is that I obviously made a huge hoopla over something that I would suspect no one else even noticed. And, there were probably other things Jody did that upset me (like making me brush my tongue along with my teeth — which is gross) but those memories have faded. I imagine now that the comment she made that night probably came in-between a serious adult conversation in order to appease my frowning face. She probably didn’t think twice about it. Maybe she didn’t even say it and I am just projecting my frustrations and mental illnesses upon her. Whatever the reason or truth may be, as I saw it, Jody instigated the harshest reign of cynicism ever to hit the Midwest. I was incorrigible. I do know, however, that she soon recognized a certain disdain radiating from my person. We have since discussed the matter and, I feel, reconciled fully.

There were, and still are, some oddities about her that I can’t get over but, for the most part, she is a good friend of the family and a good friend of mine. And when she agreed to meet us on the backside of Mount Hood and take us out to dinner, well … as the saying goes: “Let bygones be bygones; especially when food is involved.”

DAMON: It is 6/28, 3:43 in the afternoon. Ben and I are at Frog Lake Campground where the temperature is hovering right above absolute zero. [laughter] I don’t think we’ve ever been this cold. We’re probably up to 3,500 or 4,000 feet. We took a little scrubby dub in the frog Lake which is named so because when you first look at it, the ground appears black under the water, but, in fact, it is just tadpoles running around madly. And the water is warmer than the air because the water is above freezing. [laughter] And, other than that, actually really a kind of cool campground.

BEN: No bugs.

DAMON: No bugs at all because they are all frozen, they’re in a cryogenic state, which I’m soon to be in. Thank God I have a warm sleeping bag. And this is the first time I think I’m wearing all my clothes, top to bottom. Head to foot, every pair of socks, everything: it’s on me.

BEN: Except for the arm warmers.

DAMON: Except for the arm and leg warmers, which I am saving because once you put those on there is no going back. There’s no going back.

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